Portland’s Bus Mall is a favorite feature of downtown and a much touted and trumpeted part of TriMet’s transit system. It speeds up bus travel in the city center, provides a convenient place to transfer and connect to other buses and trains, and before the pandemic it felt like the throbbing heart of the city during rush hour.
The transit mall is a dance between buses, trains, bikes, and cars, all trying to get north or south through downtown. Private cars and bikes are restricted to the furthest left lane, buses and trains line up to pick up and drop off passengers on the far right lane, while buses and trains travel on the middle lane. Trains get their own special preempt signals, cars and buses moving on the far two left lanes get use the signals hanging overhead at the intersections, while buses dwelling at the stops get their own special signals.
Besides all those lights and signals, there are VERY CLEAR AND FREQUENT signs on the street, BUS ONLY painted on the lanes, telling private cars to stay in the far left lane. There are even signs on the intersecting streets to tell cars which lane to turn into and which one TO AVOID.
Despite all of this, you will still see cars driving down the mall, swaying back and forth following the MAX tracks. Or sitting oblivious on the rails while the train toots its high horn behind it to MOVE. Or swerving around the buses while they honk and honk to GET OUT THE WAY.
Some people can’t be helped, no matter how hard you try to get them to follow the rules and help buses drive more safely and quickly. And after driving a bus for a while, you start to notice patterns. Essentially there are five types of vehicles you’ll see driving down the bus only lanes on the bus mall.
5. The Ford F-350 with Dualies Farm Truck from Eastern Oregon
OK, of all the vehicles on this list, this is one I can probably sympathize with the most personally. Having grown up east of the Cascades, any trip to the big city was confusing and a little stress inducing, without even heading downtown. You can tell these trucks by the mud and cinders splattered on the side of the truck, and usually a confused looking couple in the front seat.
Just think how confusing the bus mall must be for a driver who rarely sees traffic lights, let alone one way streets and pedestrians. And what’s this new-fangled BUS ONLY nonsense. We ain’t in Wheeler County anymore that’s for sure!
The good thing about this kind of vehicle is usually a honk or some hand gestures pointing out a sign gets them going in the right direction. I also have perhaps the most sympathy for this driver: if you’ve never seen anything like this before, I can see how confusing it could be.
4. The BIKETOWN bike
OK, so guys, there’s this brunch place across town from our Air BnB, it has five stars, doesn’t take reservations though.
Uber has peak pricing right now, should we try those bike share bikes we keep seeing? I love how progressive Portland is, like isn’t this amazing, we can just get a bike and go across town. I mean just look at all the bike lanes. I wish our city cared this much, it just looks so much easier.
WHHEEEEEEEE we are so carefree riding our bikes without helmets. This is sooo much fun. I’m really glad we had pitchers of mimosas. Isn’t Portland so swell? Wait, why is this bus right behind us? Why is it honking? Like, what are we doing? It keeps honking, I don’t care WHEEEEEE.
KERSPLAT. At this point, the bike tire catches the MAX train girder rail, and the rider falls over, the BIKETOWN bike falling into a pile. The bus driver goes around the accident, shaking her head and giving the bike riders a dirty look.
BIKETOWN (pronounced BI-KEY-TOWN) is a sure giveaway to bus drivers that the bicyclists are most likely tourists, three craft beers, 15 cups of coffee, and bacon maplebar deep into their Portland vacation.
Since they are on vacation, they have no bike helmets, and have no idea where they are going, and since they haven’t ridden a bike since they were kids growing up in the suburbs outside Des Moines, the whole following the rules of the road biking courtesies don’t apply to them. See, they just think its Lauren, Tanner, Jake, and Amber taking their bikes around the cul-de-sac back in the day. Who cares if there are all these signs saying BUS ONLY, or traffic lights? They are just carefree and young and on vacation.
3. The Brodozer
STUPID LIBERAL PORTLAND WITH ALL THEIR DUMB LIBERALNESS. THEY HAVE BUSES AND TRAINS HERE AND BIKE ONLY LANES. WHERE DO BIKES GET OFF THINKING THEY CAN BE ON THE ROAD. SHARE THIS HIPPY. IT’S LIKE WE ARE IN SOME GODDAMN HIPSTER BERNIE SANDERS KOMBUCHA MITTEN WEARING WONDERLAND. I DON’T CARE IF I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DRIVE IN THIS LANE. YOU CAN’T LIMIT MY FREEDOM TRIMET. DOESN’T THAT BUS DRIVER KNOW I’M BIGGER? WATCH ME ROLL COAL! TAKE THAT YOU SNOWFLAKES!
The Brodozer is different than the farm truck full of yokels in from across the state to see the bright lights of the big city. The Brodozer might live in or around Portland or is in town from Idaho or Texas for the latest Proud Boy rally. It doesn’t matter, they hate Portland. They hate the rainbow flags, the single-origin coffee served only in 8 oz cups, the bicycles. They are angry there aren’t more freeways. They are angry they have to share the road with buses.
The Brodozer knows he’s not supposed to be driving down the bus mall, but he doesn’t care. Portland is everything he hates. To him, the bus mall is just the last straw. IF I WANT TO TURN RIGHT HERE, I’M GONNA TURN RIGHT.
2. The Uber Driver in the Prius
Uber driver just don’t care.
Whether he’s just sitting in the middle of the street with hazards on blocking traffic, hanging out at bus stop, or swerving in and out of his lane while he plays with his phone while driving, the Uber driver does not care.
He has one mission, to pick up Kayla and Brianna from that Bachelorette Party and bring them home. Does it matter that there are signs that clearly say, no parking, bus only, this lane for cars only. Nope, they just stumbled out of Departure and they want to go back to their Air BnB in the Pearl now.
Does it matter that Uber Driver is blocking the train? Or the bus? Not just one bus or train, but several. Does he know he’s not supposed to do this? Yes, but he doesn’t care. Because just like Uber doesn’t care about their drivers, the drivers don’t care about following the rules on the bus mall.
1. The Toyota Rav4 from Vancouver, WA
This is the number one most commonly seen vehicle on the bus mall. Usually, but not always, seen on the weekends, it’s a clueless family or couple down in the big city to take advantage of the all the sales tax free shopping that is so convenient for Southwest Washington.
Sure, they’ve been to Portland before. Sure, they know the city takes both bicycling and public transit a lot more seriously and there are special rules downtown besides all those one way streets. They could care to follow the rules, but they don’t.
“Oh come on,” they say, “We are only just going a block.”
“This bus driver won’t care if we make a right turn in front of him while he’s pulling away from the stop.”
“What if I just pull over to the MAX station and let you out here to go to the mall. I’m sure that train behind us ringing its bells won’t mind.”
Not only is the Vancouver resident probably the most common abuser of the bus mall, but because they are Vancouverites, clogging up Portland’s freeways just to avoid paying taxes like some oligarch with a Bermuda bank account, there is this a certain entitlement that goes with an attitude that says I like the amenities of the big city, but not living in it.
Vancouver is different from Portland and they will always make you aware of that. And because they view Portland as some strange alien tax haven they have to suffer through to buy half off UGGs, they disdain the city and its weirdness. Of course, the flip side to this is complete lack of knowledge of any Portlander about what goes on north of the Columbia, and the chuckles and sneering mentions of Vantucky, but hey, we are talking about Portland’s Bus Mall here.
Portland’s Bus Mall is legendary and a vital part of its transit infrastructure. What keeps it efficient and ticking is folks following the rules. So, next time you’re on the Bus Mall, stay in your lane, share the car lane with bikes, watch out for pedestrians, AND STAY OUT THE WAY OF THE BUSES.
